Dumbass



I swear I've never felt this guilty and stupid in my life. I feel like shit. Put it this way: Imagine yourself being stranded in a desert. You were dying because of dehydration. You just kept on walking and walking. When suddenly you saw some kind of Oasis. You ran to it. But suddenly, some man suddenly appeared, telling you "Shh kid, it's not an Oasis. It's just a mirage. I saw the real one, 20 miles from here." And you trusted him. So you left the 'Oasis/mirage' and walked 20 miles away. But when you were there, all you saw was a huge pile of human bones. And you realized that after all along, the Oasis was the real one, and the stranger guy was the mirage. And you weren't even strong enough to walk back. And there you were, adding some more bones to join the pile with your own bones. That, my friend, is me being a moron. And I'm just gonna sit here crying my shit and regret out. And I would do anything to switch back the time.

if every teardrop is a waterfall, I may have produced Niagara falls in a day


Ever had one of those days, when you find yourself really vulnerable, that everytime 'the memories' strike your mind, you can always easily drop enough tears to drown you? When every single sad song can reduce you to tears? When telling someone the story, is supposed to make you happy because you're just so proud of it, but you just cry stupidly in front of them instead? Even when you're in public places, you can find yourself trying real hard holding back the tears because you'll look pathetic if people see you crying while taking the escalator?

Well today is that day for me.

last shit before exams weeks


gue pengen banget balik lagi ke 'best-days-of-2012' itu. kesekian kalinya udah gue ngulang ini di dalem otak gue. dan kayanya belom pol kalo belom nyampah di blog. plis. gue bener-bener pengen.

gue bahkan sempet kepikiran buat stuck in the time loop on that day. see? kurang bukti apa kalo gue udah nggak waras. sangat nggak waras.

do you have any idea how many times those pieces of memories snatch away my sanity every single day?! how everytime they come to my mind, i pause everything that i was doing and stare blankly like an idiot? yes it's stupid. so so so stupid.

dan di saat kaya gini gue cuma berulang kali berharap ada yang namanya mesin waktu. would be convenient. atau universal remote control like the one adam sandler had. ya karena kalau ngalamin itu lagi terlalu nggak mungkin, seenggaknya gue bisa menonton itu berulang-ulang lagi dan lagi.

to be there, just to watch everything all over again, in a third person's point of view.

kenapa harus orang ketiga? hm karena orang pertama, yaitu gue, ya udah pernah gue jalanin. i mean it's great but i can always see it from my memory right? kalo orang kedua... hm. nggak tau ya. terkesan serem aja kalo mau tau apa yang dia pikirkan. belum siap. takut hahaha. kalo orang ketiga? well lengkap kan. gue bisa liat gue kayak apa, dia kayak apa. walaupun secara fisik doang. yah kayak nonton film aja.

alternatif lain? seandainya setiap kenangan yang kita punya bisa direkam dalam bentuk video, dan bisa ditonton berkali-kali. karena kenangan, jadi pasti sudut pandang orang pertama. dan gue sangat-sangat nggak masalah sama itu.

to feel it all over again.

itu kan yang bakal gue dapet dari semua pengandaian gue. dibawa mikir, kapan lagi gue bisa kayak gitu? kejadian super langka yang sama langkanya kayak periode melintasnya komet halley di bumi. apalagi dibandingin keadaan yang sekarang kayak gimana. bikin dua hari berharga itu cuma kerasa kayak mimpi, yang cuma bisa gue yang liat dan inget, yang nggak berarti apa-apa.

dude, i remember everything.

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