And it's all coming back again.


Berulang-ulang kali gue katakan. Beribu-ribu kali gue yakinkan diri gue. Gue udah pindah halaman kok. Secara logika, gue jelas-jelas udah pindah halaman. Gue udah nggak di halaman itu lagi. Semua orang pun bisa melihat kalau gue sendiri justru ada di halaman kosong baru ini. Halaman kosong yang siap gue tulis untuk tulisan baru. Bahkan gue baru aja selesai menulis halaman lain lagi. I'm a hundred pages ahead. Halaman 'itu' seharusnya udah lewat cukup lama.

Sampai hari itu...


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Waktu itu niat gue udah bulat untuk nggak pergi ke sana. Malas, alasan gue. Bukannya karena malas ketemu orang yang akan ditemui, tapi... Entahlah. Malas gerak. Sampai tiba-tiba gue diculik oleh salah seorang sahabat. Gue pun nurut aja akhirnya daripada harus berdiam diri di rumah.

Kembali ke sana lagi. Hmh cukup beda sih dengan yang ada waktu jaman gue dulu. Dan di sana gue. Bersama mereka lagi. Duduk-duduk nggak imut lagi. Makan bersama lagi. Teriak-teriak heboh lagi. Ketawa terbahak bahkan terkikik lagi cuma karena hal sepele yang mungkin untuk orang awam nggak lucu. Melakukan hal bodoh yang biasa kami lakukan. Seperti dulu lagi.

Lalu sosok agak familiar mencolok di sudut mata gue. Gue nengok. Ternyata dia. Berdiri sekian meter agak jauh.

Gue berusaha untuk mengabaikan dan tetap bercanda dan ngerumpi. Berpura-pura nggak pernah menyadari kehadiran dia. Ya lu tau kan, gue berusaha melakukan hal yang dilakukan orang yang sudah pindah halaman: tidak peduli. Lalu beberapa jam kemudian, semuanya berubah. Apa yang berubah? Ok let's put it this way.

Pernahkah lu pergi ke suatu tempat yang jadi bagian dari masa lalu lu? Lalu di sana ada orang-orang yang selalu mengisi masa lalu lu, baik orang yang menjadi subjek utama masa lalu itu maupun orang-orang lain yang ikut berperan juga? Lalu tiba-tiba dua lagu yang paling mengingatkan lu tentang masa lalu itu atau subjek utama itu diputar, di tempat itu juga, bersama orang-orang itu juga?

Belum? Percayalah. Rasanya itu sangat menyesakkan. In both good and bad ways.

Menit demi menit gue di sana, tembok pertahanan gue semakin terkikis. Tembok pertahanan yang selama ini menahan semua kenangan yang tertulis di halaman 'itu'. Tembok yang membatasi sekarang dan masa lalu.

Entah apa yang sebenarnya terjadi tapi dari mata gue, bukan cuma gue yang diam-diam berubah. Tapi mereka. Mereka berubah jadi... Sama persis seperti mereka yang dulu. Seakan-akan mereka transformasi mundur ke periode waktu itu. Sikap mereka, tindak-tanduk mereka, gelagat mereka. Dan gue yang menghabiskan waktu bersama mereka, seperti terkena domino effect, juga secara nggak sadar mulai bertransformasi mundur. Diri gue yang dulu pun kembali. Diri gue yang pemalu. Diri gue yang selalu bingung harus melakukan apa. Diri gue yang ketakutan. Diri gue yang selalu dengan bodohnya menutup-nutupi dengan cara yang konyol. Diri gue yang cuma berani melihat dari jauh. Diri gue yang selalu salah tingkah. Diri gue yang selalu menunggu waktu yang tepat instead of menciptakan kesempatan. Diri gue yang selalu mati-matian menyembunyikan perasaan.

Tiba-tiba lagu pertama dari kedua lagu yang gue sebut tadi dimainkan. Lagu yang liriknya benar-benar mendeskripsikan luapan-luapan perasaan gue di masa lalu. Begitu melodi intro dari instrumen gitar dimainkan dengan sangat lembut, rasanya seperti ada wrecking ball yang menghantam hancur tembok pertahanan gue. Sementara mereka masih terus bersikap seperti itu. Dan gue yang menutup-nutupi sambil salah tingkah. Dan gue yang sempat melihat dia in a distance di tengah-tengah lagu.

Sampai akhirnya lagu kedua yang gue sebut tadi dimainkan tanpa disangka-sangka. Lagu yang tidak pernah gagal mengingatkan gue tentang dia. Dan kali ini gue cuma bisa menatap ke depan secara kosong sambil ikut menyanyikan lagunya dengan pelan. Di dalam otak gue, gue cuma bisa melihat potongan-potongan gambar masa lalu yang muncul. Gambaran tempat di mana gue berada saat itu juga, di siang hari, waktu gue mendengar lagu itu untuk pertama kalinya. That's not it. Yang juga kembali adalah semua gambar yang ada dia di dalamnya.

Dan saat itu gue sadar, kalau gue benar-benar kembali ke masa itu. Seperti reka ulang kejadian. Tanpa ada banyak hal yang berubah.

Gila nggak sih? Tau kenapa gue bilang gila? Gue dibuat kembali ke masa lalu tapi semuanya dari faktor eksternal. Kedatangan gue ke tempat lama itu, dia, sikap sahabat-sahabat gue yang transformasi mundur, pemililhan lokasi, pemilihan lagunya. Bukan gue yang mengontrol. Seakan-akan alam semesta berkonspirasi untuk mencolek gue di pundak dari belakang, dan melempari gue dengan ratusan halaman 'itu', sambil berkata "Ingat ini?"

Gue sampai sekarang masih terus meyakini diri gue kalo semua perasaan gue yang muncul itu tadi cuma karena terbawa suasana. Gue harap sih. Karena gue tau halaman 'itu' udah lewat. Dan gue seharusnya nggak boleh kembali kesana lagi. Yang gue takutin itu kalau selama ini gue cuma bohongin diri gue sendiri. Yang gue takutin itu gue sebenarnya masih stuck di halaman 'itu' tanpa sadar.

Kau membuat aku terlalu...
Mengkhayalkan terlalu jauh...

To whom I might meet in the future


Dearly beloved,

First of all I want to congratulate you for finding this silly letter and reading this. Yes, this is for you. This letter maybe will help you to know me better. Better than anyone ever did perhaps. At least I hope you will. Because you must be one of my most important people in my life. 

You may be wondering, what purpose am I trying to get here writing this random letter out of the blue. Number one, I just feel like writing it. I'm in the mood! Number two, I need a decent post at least one or two after this shithole I've been living with for the past few months. Number three, and my most important reason, just like I've stated before, I want you to know me better. 

So let's begin. Hi, it's me Karin. Your so-called Anzelma Karin Uli. Some people call me 'glue', 'uli', 'menjelma', 'tape' and some other ridiculous nicknames. And who knows you maybe have you own personal nickname for me. And I probably secretly like it. 

Being born on the April 21st, makes me a Taurean. Just like another typical Taurean, I'm stubborn. Yes I'm stubborn. I sometimes don't listen what other people say. I will fight for my own will until I achieve what I want. Another Taurus trait that I posses is loyalty. I won't get easily bored. And I definitely won't get bored of you. I won't find someone new just because I'm bored of a person. And even though you may or may not be a Taurean, I hope you have that trait too. Cause if you do, you will be the most amazing person I've ever known. You know, realizing how rare loyalty is these days.

Have you met my family? Yes the pretty big one for a family. They like you. So don't worry. As long as you didn't make any trouble, you're pretty much safe. I have a sister. She's the best sister that ever exist in this whole world. I'm pretty sure you two will get along. If everything works well, I'm sure you'll feel like she's your little sister too.

Have you met my friends? No, no. My real friends. The ones I always/often mention in my stories. They're the craziest and funniest people you'll ever meet. You'll see how I can laugh until I cry when one of them pulls out a joke. If you can get our jokes, then you'll be fine. You'll understand why I  can call them my real friends. 

I love listening to music. I know it's so mainstream. Listening to music is like breathing. Who doesn't love that? Some people only know I listen to pop-punk music. Yes it's true, most of my iTunes library is in the pop-punk genre. But actually, I listen to other kinds of music too. Except the 'too-indie' ones and the Skrillex-and-other-electronic-music stuff. You can check it if you want. I'm a sucker for relevant song lyrics. So don't be so surprised if I randomly gasp or squeal or even scream when I'm listening to a song. It means I just recently notice the relevance or the depth of the currently-playing-song lyrics. I figure we probably don't have the same taste of music and it's totally fine with me. Because we're mature enough not to mock each other's music right? ;)

Another mainstream habit, I love watching movies. What's not too mainstream is that I always remember my favorite lines and I recite it at any possible time. So don't be annoyed if I recite movie lines to you. I'm a chickflicks/romcoms worshipper. I make weird 'awww' sounds when there's a sweet scene. I hope you're the one I can talk to about movies. Not in an 'I'm-explaining-to-you-the-movie-plot-because-you-don't-pay-attention' kind of way, but in a 'Shit-that-movie-is-so-good-my-favorite-scene-is-where-Brad-Pitt-shouted-"WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!!!"-with-the-horror-on-his-face' kind of way. 

I watch TV series in my spare time. Sometimes I get so into it, I even laugh so hard like a lunatic. If you witness this, don't worry. I haven't gone mad (yet). Watch it with me, so maybe we both can be two lunatics laughing our asses off together. 

I have a blog to maintain. Which you can see right now. And if you find this, then you must have come a pretty long way, huh? I'm glad you spend your time reading this though. I spill my thoughts in this blog. I pour my heart out on this blog. Because there's just some stuff that I cannot say easily face-to-face or share easily with a human being. So, feel free to dig my thoughts. 

I'm a night owl. I can never be an early bird. I would appreciate it if we make plans in the noon or later. Sometimes I pull an all-nighter to finish my tasks. I'm a pro procrastinator. For my own good, remind me when I slack off like that. 

I have a HUGE appetite. I feel hungry all the time. Especially when I don't stay at home. Speaking of food, I LOVE martabak manis. (More than I love you. No, jk jk) And I suddenly crave for it right now. It's my gluttony speaking but I just can't seem to shake the image of martabak off my head...OHMYGOD I'm getting really off track right now. 

I'm not the easiest going person. I am all quiet and awkward around new people or the people I'm not really comfortable with yet. But when I get that chemistry, I get all weird and hyperactive all of a sudden. At least that's what most of them say. And with you, I guess there's no need to question the chemistry that we have. That's what brings us together, right? 

I'm the worst at telling people how I feel about them. So if I act all quiet and different around you, there must be something wrong. Ask me. I probably will answer truthfully. The other chance I will probably answer it with "I'm fine". See, 'I'm fine' could mean two things: 1) "I'm not fine but I know it's just my hormone and/or paranoid speaking so I don't want to make any trouble." 2) "I'm not fine because of you but I don't want to make any trouble and it's not a big deal so I'll let it slide." Huh, typical women. I know right? I keep my anger to myself. So if I have seriously stated how disappointed or angry I am, that's when I got really really mad. 

"I......got troubled thoughts and self esteem to match~~" No seriously I wasn't just singing. I'm not the one with the highest self esteem. I'm insecure. I got intimidated easily sometimes. It would be awesome if you could help me with this issue. 

I love telling stories. I love telling them long with the details and gestures that I unconsciously make. When I tell people stories about you, you can guarantee that I tell it hysterically. Because you're my favorite subject to talk about. 

I am superstitious. I believe that walking under a ladder or having a black cat crossing my path or dropping the salt shaker can bring bad luck. I believe in karma. I believe what goes around comes back around. That's probably the reason why I can't be mean to people. At least not in front of them. ;) I make wishes every time I get the chance. Don't be annoyed by that if you're not superstitious. Because after all this time, you're my wish-came-true. 

I have trust issues. I hate it myself but I will try to trust more. I'm careless and I forget stuffs. I know I can be difficult to deal with sometimes. I'm sorry. Bear with me. We're both in this together right? 

What you should know is that I've been longing for the day I meet you. Is it a meet-cute like the ones that happen in romcoms? Or maybe we start off from the place we wouldn't have expected before? Either way, I won't forget it. Because that's when the universe starts to conspire. And maybe it's just how it's meant to be and how you're meant to be the one who can bring back my smile. 

I always knew you would come around and find me. So thank you, for finally finding me. 



With all my love,

Me

My own personal Odin sleep.


Rasanya seperti cuma mimpi yang hanya saya yang bisa melihat dan mengingatnya. Kalau benar, rasanya ingin tidur terus. Daripada saya bangun lalu selalu dianggap seperti orang yang berdelusi atau mendadak bertatapan kosong sewaktu tenggelam dalam rekaman gambar-gambar 'mimpi' yang berkelibatan di otak.

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