What if I weren't such a kid?


Sejujurnya...

Jujur dari hati
Kadang saya berpikir...


Ah bodoh juga ya saya.
Saat sadar yang dimiliki dulu begitu sempurna.
Sekarang hilang karena tingkah laku saya juga.


Ah.


Kadang saya berpikir...
Hebat juga ya saya dulu bisa mendapatkan hal tersebut.
Kalau sekarang...
Mana mungkin bisa lagi?
Heran.
Sumpah saya heran.
Kok bisa?
Mungkin karena dulu saya hanya seorang anak kecil yang polos.
Hanya anak kecil yang ingin memiliki yang diinginkan.
Hanya anak kecil yang belum tau artinya memiliki.
Hanya anak kecil yang tidak punya banyak pikiran dan pertimbangan.
Hanya anak kecil yang tau "Pokoknya aku suka ini."
Hanya anak kecil yang ingin ikut-ikutan orang dewasa.
Hanya anak kecil yang tidak tau caranya merawat kepemilikian.
...
Karena waktu itu memang saya cuma anak kecil.
Belum saatnya memiliki seperti itu.
...
Sampai sekarang saya kadang masih suka tertawa geli mengingatnya.




Kadang saya berpikir...
Kalau dulu bukan anak kecil, kalau dulu saya memiliki saat sudah lebih dewasa sedikit, sampai sekarang, apa saya masih tetap memilikinya ya?


Kadang saya berpikir...
Ah kok bodoh sih semudah itu menghilangkannya. Bodoh saya anak kecil yang bodoh.


Konyol aja gitu cara hilangnya.


Sepele aja gitu...


"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then it's meant to be yours..."


**Yah. Meskipun saya sudah skeptik tentang cinta, tapi sejujurnya, kadang saya masih berharap hal itu ada.**

Not that naïve anymore.


Once my friend said, "This is real world, Kar. Not some fantasy or some chick-flick movies."

I was laying in my bed thinking about what he meant. 

This came to a conclusion. 

Love doesn't exist. 

And by love I mean romance-love.

It's a myth. It's an illusion. It's a fantasy. It's a make-believe. It's a sugar-coated lie, made by human to make their lives more interesting. 

Because if it exists, then how do you explain failed marriages that become so popular these days? 

What's the point of marriage anyways? To tie some kind of bond between two people? But haven't they tied a bond already when they commit to their relationship in the first place? To breed? You CAN breed without having to say "I do" first. Really? Living up to moral standards? But even the norm in each country is really diversed. It doesn't make any sense. To prove your commitment to each other? Once again it CAN be done without marriage. To mark your spouse so they can't be shared with others? Well then ask one married couple that hasn't even once cheated on each other. Wedding rings can go off. Even most low-life mistresses don't even care if they are single or not. They said they love each other but that's what they do behind each other's back? 

Feelings fade. It's temporary. It's easily replaced. It's fake. It's painful. 

That's what you call 'love'? 

Sure there are stories about couples making it happen, loving forever. Are you sure it's a true story? Not some hundreds-word-long-bedtime-stories told from mouth to mouth? But even if it's real, how many couples have actually experienced it from this 7 billion population of people in this world?

My friend said, "You can never end up with someone you really love. Happy endings aren't for real world."

I was silenced. I didn't want to believe what he said. It crushed my whole idea of love. I opened my mouth as I tried to oppose his opinions. But no sound could  come out. My brain couldn't find the words. 

Because I couldn't find a relevant argument. I couldn't find the proofs. Ironically, even my whole life is a living proof of dysfunctional love.

Now I understand why I oftenly find myself crying when I watch some beautifully heart-warming romantic scene in the media.
Because maybe I was devastated, deep down inside I wonder how can this beautiful thing be so unreal?

"Love don't exist, when you live like this."

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