Oh, What Life You Got



What is it with humans and social medias? Here's what social media is to me. Social media is basically a platform for humans to brag about their lives to another human, so they would feel like they have better lives than the others. Unhealthy, most of the times.

They boast about how 'perfect' their lives seem, perfect clothes, perfect friends, perfect hangs, perfect boyfriend, perfect everything. Thirsty for numbers of likes they can get as a validation of their beings. Hungry for comments of praises from the others.

On the other side, they actually sign up for these made up lives. They deliberately keep up with updates about certain stuffs they're interested in. In fact, they want to witness how other people's lives are. They relish to peer at those 'better lives'. They adore it, they envy it. Sulking on the things they don't have in their lives, instead of being grateful for what they have.

Social media is modern days' brand new heroin.


Jakarta, March 31st 2016



A bored blogger,
Who gets sick of seeing KarJenners BS on every social media platform

Clueless as clueless gets.



What you don't know is, how I need to spill these feelings I have inside to this piece of digitalized version of diary, just to keep my sanity.

What you don't know is, how sometimes I feel like you're just gonna be another mistake in my life, and how it hurts to think about the possibilities.

What you don't know is, how sometimes I feel like you're just like any others who will stomp my heart on the ground.

What you don't know is, how hard I try to look tough, just to convince you and me, that you're never gonna be able to break me...when in fact, you are.

What you don't know is, how much I hate admitting that I've invested so much feelings on this...and how much I've been reprimanded for having done so.

What you don't know is, how much I deny feeling all of those things above, because my na├»ve heart still hopes that I might be wrong...somehow. 

High Risk, High Reward



"You are wasting your time! Why would you let your great life be ruined by someone like that?!"

Tamparan kata-kata dari seorang teman, kemudian saya tersedu dalam hati. 

Tapi bagaimana jika justru orang itu yang akan membuat hidup saya lebih luar biasa lagi...? 

Somatic Detachment Issues: Day 123



Communication is the key to everything. Sometimes communication is all we've got.

And at one point, we've promised to each other to always keep in touch. Always, no matter what.

Maybe it shows, maybe it doesn't but, I've been putting real effort trying to do that. Yes, this girl, named Karin, who barely even talks to people in real life.

Then again, you know how life is. Sometimes, even when you're putting your best effort, things just don't go as well as you expect it to be. A few bumps here and there, that's normal, I can handle it.

Strangely what annoys me the most is...me. Yes, moi. Myself.

See, as you may have already known, I have this monster in my head, who keeps twisting scenarios in my head. This monster that makes me see the worst possibilities in any kind of situation. I'm drowning in them.

And everytime there's a bump in the road, all I can think about is "Did I just run over someone to his death with my car?"

Over and over again.

See the thing is, in that kind of situation, you can always stop the car, get out, and check if I actually murdered someone or not. Simple right?

But...

This is a whole lot different thing.

Instead of driving an actual car, I am driving a virtual car on an arcade for heaven's sake. We're not talking about Fast & Furious or Rush here. We're talking about Grand Theft Auto and Maximum Tune kinda shit.

Have you ever played one of those things? Nope, there's no stopping to check what you just hit with your car. The game makes it physically impossible for you to do that.

I can't check what's going on. I can't see what was actually happening. I can't just get out of my car and look for the dead body under my car.

All I can do is just to get by and see the results at the end of the game. How many bodies did I run over? Do I win the game? Do I lose?

Until then, I keep repeating possibilities in my head, over and over again. It is exhausting.

It's dysfunctional. That's not how a human mind's supposed to work. How am I supposed to communicate THAT?

"Hey, how's it going? You know what, this just in. Turns out I got a terrible anxiety issues here. Just wanted to let you know, that I keep thinking about you, getting sick of me... And the thought itself tortures me. That's all. No biggie, it's not you, it's me. Hope you understand. So, toodles!"

COME ON! Be realistic.

**sigh**

Why am I like this :')

Hey, so are you sick of me yet, Puddin'? 

Karin; [kAh-rin] (n) : major fuck up in social interactions



Self-Esteem Attacks:

Often mistakenly called panic attacks, Self Esteem Attacks often lead to depression and feelings of devastation. Common to some degree to all who suffer from low self esteem, Self Esteem attacks occur when a person perceives she has done or said something insensitive, inappropriate, stupid, or ridiculous. As a result of these dreaded periods of self-loathing the low self esteem sufferer tends to do such things as: a) isolate or refrain from new activities to avoid looking foolish or inept, b) stay quiet and not share ideas or perceptions for fear of saying something "wrong," c) not initiate with others for fear of rejection, and d) not look for a better job because of feelings of inadequacy, or e) remain in a destructive relationship because of feeling too inadequate to be alone.

"Self Esteem Attacks" occur whenever a person with low self esteem does or says something that he afterwards deems to have been inappropriate, stupid, rude, obnoxious, off target, or inaccurate. At that time, the person may experience immediate remorse, excruciating anxiety, his heart racing, his face turning red, a sinking feeling of embarrassment, depression and/or devastation. Wishing he could sink into the floor or disappear he may immediately look for a way to escape. He may feign illness, sneak out without saying anything, or just become totally silent, hoping not to be noticed. He will believe that everyone saw his blunder and is thinking poorly of him, maybe even laughing at him. This is a full blown Self-Esteem Attack that may last for minutes, hours, even days during which he berates himself, is fearful of seeing anyone who was in attendance at the time he made his "mistake," and remain seriously depressed. All people who suffer from low self-esteem have these attacks though they vary in degree and in length depending upon how serious the person judges his gaffe, how highly he values the opinions of those in attendance, and what he surmises the repercussions will be.

More:
http://www.getesteem.com/lse-symptoms/symptom-details.html

---------------

Dayumn Daniel. This writer describes me like they've known me my whole shitty life. 

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