Somatic Detachment Issues: Day 1236:56 PM
Communication is the key to everything. Sometimes communication is all we've got.
And at one point, we've promised to each other to always keep in touch. Always, no matter what.
Maybe it shows, maybe it doesn't but, I've been putting real effort trying to do that. Yes, this girl, named Karin, who barely even talks to people in real life.
Then again, you know how life is. Sometimes, even when you're putting your best effort, things just don't go as well as you expect it to be. A few bumps here and there, that's normal, I can handle it.
Strangely what annoys me the most is...me. Yes, moi. Myself.
See, as you may have already known, I have this monster in my head, who keeps twisting scenarios in my head. This monster that makes me see the worst possibilities in any kind of situation. I'm drowning in them.
And everytime there's a bump in the road, all I can think about is "Did I just run over someone to his death with my car?"
Over and over again.
See the thing is, in that kind of situation, you can always stop the car, get out, and check if I actually murdered someone or not. Simple right?
This is a whole lot different thing.
Instead of driving an actual car, I am driving a virtual car on an arcade for heaven's sake. We're not talking about Fast & Furious or Rush here. We're talking about Grand Theft Auto and Maximum Tune kinda shit.
Have you ever played one of those things? Nope, there's no stopping to check what you just hit with your car. The game makes it physically impossible for you to do that.
I can't check what's going on. I can't see what was actually happening. I can't just get out of my car and look for the dead body under my car.
All I can do is just to get by and see the results at the end of the game. How many bodies did I run over? Do I win the game? Do I lose?
Until then, I keep repeating possibilities in my head, over and over again. It is exhausting.
It's dysfunctional. That's not how a human mind's supposed to work. How am I supposed to communicate THAT?
"Hey, how's it going? You know what, this just in. Turns out I got a terrible anxiety issues here. Just wanted to let you know, that I keep thinking about you, getting sick of me... And the thought itself tortures me. That's all. No biggie, it's not you, it's me. Hope you understand. So, toodles!"
COME ON! Be realistic.
Why am I like this :')
Hey, so are you sick of me yet, Puddin'?